Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.