The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Green is just blue that someone peed in
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about