Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
You Might Also Like
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.