Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.