See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”