Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
You Might Also Like
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
u spoke cat all this time??????
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen