A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
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The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this