“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
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[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
is this a warning or an offer?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
no regrets
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.