Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁