They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
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grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.