An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
School be like
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated