A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Pat is about to own someone
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
idk what this dog had been going through but same
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*