we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
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Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Oh, I bet you would be
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid