You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
You Might Also Like
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The Sun
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.