Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.