Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in