GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries