relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time