‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
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If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi