Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
spot the difference
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.