I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind