big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
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friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix