One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
You Might Also Like
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.