You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
This meal prepping shit easy