hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
You Might Also Like
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet