Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me