Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.