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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.