Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
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A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”