How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
October already? What’s next? November????
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.