STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
tourist season
But is it really??
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.