Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
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If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*