me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Yup
I really had high hopes for this year though
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Finally! 😈
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them