I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much