The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My friend is an excellent librarian.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Customer is always right
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”