cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
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Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Sooo many times…..
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
two people or more is called a problem
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
*aggressively waits in line*
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita