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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
get you a girl who
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.