Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Has science gone too far?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.