friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
PLOT TWIST:
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*