I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it