me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”