The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-