I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You Might Also Like
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.