Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
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(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.