I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.