4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
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My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Current mood: Potato
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Easy enough.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful