let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Kermit goes Blue.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.