Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Sharon, call the vet