“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy