I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
When you’ve simply given up.
drew a comic about my origin story
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.